Larry's Adventure II Ch. 15

Chapter 15: Days of Our Excess

Purple and Co. got to the outside of Shadow Noah Island and finally defeated Dark Red Bones. Now they’re on the Excess Express on their way to Bill Gates’s house to defeat him. How did the train get to Toad Town? Who is Bill Gates’s minion? Why does he refer to himself in the third person? I still don’t care!

Here’s the cabin layout:
1. Zip Toad (real)
2. Remy Ratooey (red Ratooey in shades)
3. Heff T. (still onboard)
4. Goldbob’s Family
5. Purple and Co.
6. Dr. Shroob
7. A Mudkip
8. Flavio

P.T.: How long will this take?

Purple: The brochure about Bill Gates’s house says six days by train.

Everyone: …

P.T.: I’m going to the Train Hospital to see about this arm.

Fin: I’m gonna go pickpocket.

Luigi: I’m gonna see if the store is selling my book.

P.T., Fin, and Luigi leave.

Yux: I hate this train so I’m gonna see if I can sleep for six days.

Rufus: I’m gonna watch the mini TV.

Purple: And… I got nothing.

AND NOW FOR THE NEW FEATURE OF THIS CHAPTER… SUBCHAPTERS!

Existence: NOOOOOOOOO!!!

Chapter 15A: Days of Our Excess: Rufus Day (Day 1)

Rufus is sitting in Cabin 5, watching the mini TV, with Yux behind him, asleep in the bed.

Rufus: QUIT SNORING!

Rufus eggs Yux with… an egg.

Rufus: Now for my favorite channel!

He changes to the channel, but it’s been blocked.

TV Voice: Blockblockblockblockblockblockblockblockblockblockblockblock-

Rufus: What?!

Sorry, but your channel is too adult for Lemmy’s Land.

Rufus: NOOOOOO!!! I’ll just have to make my own show! Now where will I find a bunch of people willing to work for peanuts to make a TV show on a train?

Soon, everyone is rounded up in the Dining Cart.

Rufus: Thanks for gathering, Zip Toad, Dr. Shroob, and Flavio… Flavio? I thought you preferred the sea.

Flavio: I’m rich! Why not show it off by riding a fancy train?

Rufus: Whatever. So, we need a theme. Flavio?

Flavio: A documentary! About me!

Rufus: Lame! Dr. Shroob?

Dr. Shroob: A science show!

Rufus: Lamer! Zip?

Zip: A documentary! About me!

Rufus: Lamest! And the only reason I’m asking is because my idea is too adult! We need ideas.

Engineer: You should do a Sketch Show!

Rufus: We could… Shouldn’t you be driving?

Engineer: Shouldn’t you?

Rufus: No…

Engineer: Curses! Foiled again!

The engineer turns out to be Dick Dastardly! He then leaves to go do whatever.

Rufus: So who’s driving the train?

Everyone: … OH CRUD!

Everyone rushes over to the front cart.

Flavio: Relax! I can sail a ship, I can sail a train! Now where’s the anchor?

Rufus hits himself in the forehead.

Rufus: I could’ve had a V8. Wait, that’s not why I did that! Zip Toad! You were in plenty of train movies! You drive them!

Zip Toad: Those were stunt doubles!

Rufus: Of course! Dr. Shroob?

Dr. Shroob: Sorry, I have no arms.

Rufus: Of course you do!

Dr. Shroob: Yeah, I’m just lazy.

Rufus: Me too! Dang it!

Flavio: What? We just need an a-

Rufus: IT’S NOT A FREAKING BOAT!

Flavio: … What kind of watermelons have you been eating?

Dr. Shroob: Life does not revolve around the sea, moron!

Flavio: What?! FLAVIO HATES YOU ALL!

He runs off crying. Yux enters.

Yux: Was someone plagiarizing my line without me?

Rufus: No, go back to sleep.

Yux: Nah, I don’t think I will.

Rufus: We’re all gonna die, right?

Dr. Shroob: Not necessarily. I mean, trains usually stay perfectly on the tracks unless something interferes with them.

Rufus: Okay.

So everyone minds their own business, except for Zip Toad, who does action poses for no reason for hours on end. That night, Rufus is lying on the ground in a random cabin, holding his tongue stretched out, flicking it like a banjo string.

Goldbob: Sir, please get out of our cabin! You’re scaring the Missus!

Bub: Mommy, it’ll be okay!

Sylvia: SHUT UP, YOU MORTAL!

Bub: Uh, okay...

Goldbob: … So yeah, get out.

Zip Toad rushes in.

Zip: RUFUS! THE TRAIN! THERE’S SOMETHING GOING ON!

Rufus: Zuh?

Rufus rushes to the front cart and looks out front.

Rufus: I don’t see it.

Zip Toad pulls out a flashlight and shines it at the tracks.

Rufus: A CLIFF?! HOW DO THE TRACKS LEAD TO A CLIFF?!

Zip Toad: An excuse for a plot twist! Now fix it!

Rufus: Uhhh, I got it! I knew these Star Chips would come in handy!

He puts the Chips together and it forms a Launch Star that launches him through the window and to the other end of the cliff on the tracks.

Rufus: I’m gonna regret this, I know it.

Rufus sticks his tongue out and wraps it around a rail sticking out over the edge, then with some more tongue, wraps it around the other one and keeps going until he’s eventually formed a track made out of his tongue that covers the gap. The train then rolls over it and then runs Rufus over, but for some reason his tongue is caught on the handrails on the platform on the back. Rufus is being dragged painfully.

Rufus: (Owwww… You’d think this would be the sort of thing that would happen to Yux! Except he doesn’t have an elastical tongue. Is “elastical” a word? Hmm, I should really find that out. What was I saying again?)

Purple walks out.

Purple: I thought I heard about someone being dragged by his tongue.

Rufus: JETH HEP ME! (Just help me!)

Purple presses a button on Rufus’s tongue and Rufus is reeled in like how a tape measurer works. He unwraps his tongue and plops him down on the platform.

Purple: I’m not taking you to the Train Hospital.

He returns to whatever he was doing.

Rufus: … Owwww…

Chapter 15B: Days of Our Excess: P.T. Day (Day 2)

P.T. spent the first day in the Train Hospital, but it wasn’t mostly getting himself fixed up. Instead he played Monopoly with the nurse, which took up most of the day. He walks out of the Train Hospital, with gauze wrapped in elastic tape around his right wrist, but his sleeve is still burnt.

P.T.: I’m bored!

Remy Ratooey: Hey guy, did you hear about the Yoshi that saved the train yesterday?

P.T.: No. Did you hear that I got a monopoly on Boardwalk and Park Place and still lost?! That’s the kind of thing I’d think would happen to Yux! This is almost as bad as that time all the farm animals tried to sue me!

Flashback!

P.T. is in a court room with a bunch of farm animals.

Judge Cow: Order! Order in my court! The Union of Farm Animals finds Peter Tarantula Piranha accused of multiple charges of pretending to be a barn animal! Does the prosecution have anything to say?

Prosecutor Li’l Oink: Your honor, we found some photos of the accused in the act he is accused of.

He then proceeds to show slides of P.T. sitting in a mud puddle, wearing a fake horse head.

Prosecutor Li’l Oink: And those are just the ones we found in the last three days!

P.T.: You wouldn't understand! You weren't there!

Chicken in the gallery: He has some nerve!

Judge Cow: Why were you even doing that?

P.T.: Sometimes when you are a man, you need to pretend that you're a farm animal. Get inside their minds. It's for fun.

Judge Cow: Ugh, you make me sick to my stomachs! How does the Jury find him?

Jury Sheep (plural, not singular): GUUUUUUILTY!

P.T.: Aww, this is bad! You’re my lawyer! Say something!

Slim the Pixl: YEE-HAW! Anyone up for a hoedown?

P.T.: THAT WAS YESTERDAY, SLIM! FOCUS!

Judge Cow: I hereby sentence the accused to hanging out with Yux and Fin for three hours!

Animals then start stampeding towards P.T. to grab him.

P.T.: Slim!

Slim appears and makes P.T. thin so they all run by, then P.T. and Slim leave in a hurry.

End flashback!

P.T.: I’ll never forget that day.

Remy: … I’m not talking to you anymore.

Out of boredom, P.T. heads to Cabin 7, to find a Mudkip.

P.T.: What?

Mudkip: I herd you liek me.

P.T.: I do? Listen, my flashback took up lots of space and I’m really confused, so I’m going now.

P.T. leaves the room after learning… nothing at all…

Chapter 15C: Days of Our Excess: Luigi Day (Day 3)

Luigi spent the first day arguing with the sales stall owner about not selling Super Luigi, and then spent the second day arguing some more. Let’s see how he’s doing.

Luigi: I’m telling you! I’m famous in the Rogueport Area, so why not expand?

Salesman: I’m sorry, but you’re too unpopular. In fact, I’m being paid to not sell them!

Luigi: WHAT?! But this train is technically outside of the Mushroom Kingdom now! Why can’t you sell it now?

Salesman: Because I’m a jerk.

Luigi: Ah.

Luigi Thunderhands him, which is kind of like using a taser.

Salesman: Sir, if you don’t stop attacking me, we’ll have every right to throw you out the window!

Luigi: Oh come on! Just read my story, I happen to have a copy of it with me.

And so the salesman reads Luigi’s story.

Salesman: Wow. I think I just got dumber.

Luigi: Dang it!

Chapter 15

Luigi: What?! That’s it?!

Well you basically spend the whole day arguing, and that’s really going nowhere.

Luigi: Dang it! This is the kind of ripoff that I’d expect to happen to Yux!

Speaking of Yux…

Chapter 15D: Days of Our Excess: Yux Day (Day 4)

Aside from that one moment during Day 1, Yux was basically asleep the entire train trip. Wow. But today he won’t be doing that.

Yux is asleep until a sound of a Bob-omb shootout ending in an explosion outside wakes him up.

Yux: Dang it! Wait ‘til I get my hands on whoever did that!

Yux goes into Cabin 4, right next to his.

Yux: ALL RIGHT! WHO BLEW UP?!

Goldbob: Shh! If the missus wakes up from her beauty nap, she’ll blow up and we’ll all die! And not because of the explosion. Or at least not just because of it.

Yux: Well someone blew up and it interrupted my beauty nap! Or boredom nap, I should say.

Goldbob: You sure it wasn’t just that Bob-omb shootout we passed?

Yux: What would they do that for?

Goldbob: I don’t know, I’m just a filthy rich Bob-omb! Now go before the missus finds out you’re here!

Suddenly, Sylvia wakes up.

Sylvia: AAAAAHHH!!! BURGLAR!

Her fuse starts lighting up.

Bub: Mommy, no!

Goldbob: LOOK WHAT YOU DID!

Yux: AAAHHH! RANDOMIZE!

He glows and stops.

Yux: The good news is…

A bucket of water appears out of nowhere and knocks Sylvia out, halting the burning of the fuse.

Yux: Bad news…

Goldbob and Bub’s fuses start lighting up.

Yux: OUTTA HERE!

But it’s too late; they both explode, which somehow lights Sylvia’s fuse and then she explodes. Yux comes out of the room, covered in soot, coughing out smoke. He then plops down on the ground, unconscious. Then he’s trampled by all the other passengers on their way to lunch, even though most of them shouldn’t have a reason to cross through this hall. However Heff T. is STILL on the train but too fat to leave, Rufus is still lying in pain in the 6-8 cart, and the Bob-ombs are all dead and/or unconscious.

Chapter 15E: Days of Our Excess: Fin Day (Day 5)

Fin spent the first four days picking random pockets, and has come up with 3 coins, a Kit Kat Bar that’s half melted, and a Pianta Token.

Fin: Hmm. I haven’t robbed from Cabin 3 yet.

Fin goes into Cabin 3.

Heff T.: OH NO, ARE YOU GONNA ROB ME?!

Fin: Uh, no.

Heff T.: Oh. Okay then. I’m gonna stand here and stare into space, thinking about food.

Fin: (Perfect!)

Fin sneaks over and reaches into his pocket, but when he pulls it out, it’s covered in honey.

Fin: (What the-?)

Fin reaches into a different one and it comes out covered in melted chocolate.

Fin: (OH MY DAD! Wait a minute…)

He sticks his tongue out to lick the chocolate, but it’s gone bad. Same for the honey.

Fin: (This guy is insane! I’ve gotta get outta here!)

Fin tries to run off, but his honey hand pulls him back and snaps him into Heff T. In fact Fin starts sinking into the sea of fat! Fin wakes up minutes later in some weird environment full of blobby skin.

Fin: Where am I?

Twilighter: Welcome. Welcome to the Heff Zone.

Fin: Where’s that?

Twilighter: Everyone who fell victim to Heff T.’s massive obesity ends up here. We’re lost inside his enormous amounts of skin.

Fin: OH MY DAD! THIS GUY’S GIVING ME NIGHTMARES! You’d think something like this would happen to Yux!

Blue Toad: Hey, is there a new person here? All right! Hey guy, you stay in that place, I’ll stay in my area, and we won’t have any problems!

Fin: How many people are lost in this place?!

Twilighter: We’ve formed two baseball teams in here, complete with audiences, umpires, and whatnot. We could use a hotdog guy, you know. We have enough meat that missed Heff T.’s mouth when he tried to eat it.

Fin: I’ve gotta get out of here!

Twilighter: There’s no escape. One person tried to escape, but we never saw him again.

Fin: Hmm. IDEA!

Fin pulls out “his” half-melted Kit Kat Bar. Meanwhile…

Heff T.: … CANDY!

He reaches inside his massive fat to try to find it, but he has to go in there himself, so he curls up into a giant ball of skin and somehow now he’s inside his own massive fat, and everyone else is free.

Twilighter: FREEDOM! YOU ARE MY HERO! I’d thank you, but my kind doesn’t believe in happiness.

Fin: Can I have your money?

Twilighter: No.

Fin: That’s okay I already stole it.

Twilighter: What was that?

Fin: Nothing.

Chapter 15F: Days of Our Excess: Purple Day (Day 6)

Purple spent the first five days cleaning up after basically everyone, behind the scenes. However, today, he’ll discover that the last leg of the trip to Bill Gates’s house won’t be as easy as planned…

Purple is dragging Rufus to the Train Hospital.

Purple: I can’t believe you’ve just been lying there for five days! What is up with you?

Purple throws him in there, and as he turns around to head to his cabin, a laser is shot that just misses him.

Purple: Huh?

Purple turns around to find a person walking to the back of the train.

Purple: Hey!

He starts chasing after him. He finds the conductor out cold next to the open door to the storage room. Eggs. Purple follows- Wait, what did I just say? Oh well. He follows the stranger out to the back platform and climbs up the ladder. He follows him.

Purple: Who are you?! (Hmm, this random attack is the sort of thing I’d expect to happen to Yux.)

???: I am Bill Gates’s Top Warrior! He sent me to make sure you never reach his house! And I’m an amazingly slow runner in this story, so it took me until today to reach you!

Purple: Why do you bad guys always have to go on with a speech about why you’re here and then some justification for something stupid?! I just want to know your name!

???: I was building up to it for dramatic effect! I am… MASTER CHIEF!

Purple: Master Chief?!

Master Chief: Yes! Master Bill will get mad if I don’t kill you, so die! And be warned, the author doesn’t play Halo, so all my attacks might just be what he makes up!

Master Chief starts shooting lasers at Purple. An Arwing flies by and lowers next to Purple. A window opens.

Peppy Hare: Do a barrel roll!

The Arwing then flies away.

Purple: What? Sure, why not?

Purple runs towards Master Chief and rolls around, dodging the lasers. He eventually reaches Master Chief and sweeps his foot with his axe, and MC falls onto his back.

Purple: Now let’s see who you really are, Master Chief!

Purple removes the helmet to reveal-

Purple: Ew! No wonder you wear a helmet!

He puts it back on. MC gets up and tries to smack Purple with a laser rifle, but Purple blocks with his axe. But MC prevails and blasts the axe far away, sticking in the ground when it lands.

Chef Shimi: An axe licking in the ceiling? I mean STICKING! An axe sticking in the ceiling? Odd.

Purple: Oh great.

Voice: Bading-hap!

Rufus suddenly comes down on MC, ground pounding him.

MC: That shouldn’t hurt with all my armor!

Rufus: I’m that awesome!

MC: Oh yeah?!

The two start fighting, leaving Purple to head to the front, where he grabs the axe. He then runs up and does a jump strike on MC. Suddenly P.T. appears.

P.T.: Now for the P.T. Arrow!

He removes his elastic gauze thing and gets inside it so he’s like an arrow and the elastic thing is like a bow, and launches himself at MC, knocking him a few miles away.

P.T.: My head hurts. At least my arm is fully healed out of nowhere.

Rufus: Just like me. At least Yux didn’t heal faster than us. That’d be embarrassing.

Conductor: GET OFF THE ROOF, YOU MORONS!

Purple, P.T., and Rufus: Ahh!

Soon, everyone is in Cabin 5.

Intercom: BING! BONG! BING! BONG! Attention passengers, we are coming up to the legendary Bill Gates’s domicile. If you want to get off, jump out the window ‘cause we’re not stopping.

Soon, the heroes and Flavio jump out the window.

Rufus: Flavio?

Flavio: I’m sick of trains!

Flavio leaves.

Purple: Ha! Finally, after almost a week, we are finally here! By the way, Fin, what happened to you on the fifth day?

Fin: Sorry, it was so terrible, I erased it from my memory.

Rufus: Now let’s get to Bill Gates!

Everyone starts charging towards the front gates.