Chapter 2-5: Badges and Yoshis

The Gadd Cruiser lands outside lower Ricco Harbor. Luigi is accompanied by Elvin and Merlon.

Dark Koopatrol: You want to get into the underwater Garlic Plant?

Luigi: Yes. Yes I would.

Dark Koopatrol: Pay me ten coins and you can get into the elevator. You can get to the Plant from upper Ricco Harbor.

Luigi: What?! Why doesn’t it just take us down to the Plant?!

Dark Koopatrol: Because it’s offshore, idiot!

Luigi: Well I’m sorry! I don’t have time in my busy schedule to figure out all your plans for building!

Dark Koopatrol: Well in that case you can’t use our elevator.

Luigi: Italian Rage!

Luigi knocks the Dark Koopatrol out.

Luigi: Quick, get in!

Elvin: He had the pass code dumb****!

Luigi: Words hurt, Elvin…

Merlon sighs and aims his shotgun at the console pad and shoots. The door opens as a result.

Luigi: … Can I have a gun too?

Merlon/Elvin: NO.

Luigi: You never let me have any fun!

The three get into the elevator and ride it into town. They look around until Luigi notices something.

Luigi: You know with the reddish sunset contrasted by the silver hue of the Millennium Star, it’s actually kinda pretty.

That and…

Luigi: Whoa, the giant cannon’s gone!

Elvin: No ****. Where’d it go?

Merlon: Maybe they’re using it to kill the other Guardians.

Elvin: How could that possibly work?! They’d have to be standing right in front of it!

Merlon: Hey it worked on one!

They head into the tunnel to find Captain Hammer. Since the Koopatrols got promoted, so did he. Now he’s Army Hammer Bro.! That’s right, it was the same guy the whole time.

Army Hammer Bro.: Guys! It’s Luigi and his party! Maneuver Delta!

Dark Koopatrols: Sir yes sir!

Luigi’s party prepares for battle. The Dark Koopatrols all retreat into their shells.

Merlon: What was that?!

Army Hammer Bro.: As if we could defeat you! We know when to quit!

Luigi/Merlon/Elvin: … …

Luigi: At least they’re honest. Let’s keep going, guys!

The two find an elevator.

Dark Koopatrols: ATTACK!

Luigi/Merlon/Elvin: (Heh, heh.)

Cut to outside the elevator at the bottom. Luigi’s party is tossed out like garbage.

Elvin: My back…

Luigi: They were tougher than we thought…

Chain Chomp: … BARK! BARK!

Luigi: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

He runs down the corridor.

Merlon: Luigi, get back here!

Merlon follows him.

Elvin: I’m gettin’ too old fer this!

They follow Luigi into an elevator like the one that took them to upper Ricco Harbor. Although this one takes them down below sea level in some room. They walk through a tunnel until they’re in the underwater Garlic Plant.

Elvin: It smells like garlic and saltwater in here.

Merlon: All Garlic Plants smell like garlic. Garlic smells like garlic, that’s how it was named.

The three pass a pair of giant submarines.

Luigi: Whoa! Those look awesome! I hope we can get one of those!

Elvin: Oh so suddenly the Gadd Cruiser means nothing to you?!

Luigi: There’s nothing wrong with the Gadd Cruiser, but come on! A submarine! You can go underwater!

Elvin: Oh yeah to all TWO underwater locations in the whole game!

Luigi: I know! It’s cool!

Elvin: …

They reach the core where the Special Badge is.

Luigi: Sweet, let’s go get it!

A giant crane reaches into the core and pulls out the Special Badge, and then retracts into another room.

Luigi: Dang it!

Luigi’s group goes into the next room to find the crane dropping the Special Badge into the blue and green submarine. Boshi is there. He turns around.

Boshi: Luigi! And some of his friends! We might’ve helped each other out in Radint but that was on vacation time, so now you die!

Luigi: Radint? What?

Boshi: Oh yeah it was just those other guys… Oh well.

Merlon holds his shotgun to Boshi’s head.

Merlon: Better idea. You give us the badge and I don’t shoot you in the face.

Elvin: And if you survive that, I got a ******* spear!

Boshi: You guys wish! I’m too busy for this!

Boshi rolls up into a blue-spotted egg and rolls away in time for a robot as tall as Bowser in Mario Galaxy to walks up.

BOSS: MEGA-ARM

Luigi: Mega-Arm? Like Megaleg?

It looks like Megaleg but with only two stilt-like legs and two giant arms.

Merlon: I’ll handle this!

Merlon tries to shoot… But he’s out of ammo.

Merlon: Oh no!

Mega-Arm grabs him and starts spinning his upper half around.

Merlon: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! HELP MEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Luigi: …

Elvin: … You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?

Luigi: Yes.

Luigi/Elvin: SPEAR JUMP BROS.!

Elvin holds out his spear and Luigi jumps onto it, then Elvin launches Luigi up into the air where he does a ground pound and crashes onto the top of Mega-Arm’s head and lands inside it.

Mega-Arm: CRANIAL COMPARTMENT BREACHED! REMOVE! REMOVE!

Mega-Arm starts spinning faster.

Merlon: NOT HELPIIIIIING!!!!!

Luigi’s voice: Hmm, what’s this?

Luigi notices a switch. He presses it and Mega-Arm stops spinning.

Merlon: Ugh…

Luigi: Hey another one!

He presses it and the arms detach, causing both of them to fall to the ground. Even though Merlon was held by one of them.

Merlon: Ow.

Luigi climbs out of the robot’s head and onto the floor.

Luigi: Merlon quit napping! We’ve got to push this robot into the water so no one can turn it on and use it again.

Elvin: Or this.

Elvin pole vaults into the hole on the top of the robot’s head and starts spearing all the controls and stuff in there. The robot falls over.

Elvin’s voice: Ow.

He climbs out.

Elvin: Now they can’t use it again.

Luigi: … Wasn’t there a submarine right there?

Elvin looks. The Yoshi Submarine is missing!

Elvin: ****! That robot was stalling us! Quick, into the bland one!

Luigi and Elvin run for the submarine.

Luigi: MERLON HURRY UP!

Elvin: GET THE BRICKS OUT OF YOUR POCKETS AND MOVE!

Merlon gets up and follows them.

Merlon: No respect, I tell you…

Luigi makes it to the submarine, where all the Dark Koopatrols are panicking outside.

Dark Koopatrols: Gasp!

Luigi: Yep! It’s-a me, Luigi!

Luigi equips the Zap Tap Badge and tackles all the Dark Koopatrols, knocking them out. He, Elvin, and Merlon enter the submarine and close the door behind them. They make it into the control room where Army Hammer Bro. and two Dark Koopatrols are.

Army: Whoa! You caught up to me!

Luigi: Wait but you were just standing there in that hall.

Army: Oh yeah. Bill! Ted! Attack!

The two Koopatrols from Chapter 1-6.

Dark Koopatrol 1 (Bill): No way!

Ted: They got this far, you think we can seriously stop them?!

Army: … Good point. We surrender!

The three cower in the corner.

Elvin: All right, we’re awesome!

Merlon: We have to go after Boshi. But how do we steer this thing?!

Luigi: I majored in Submarine Piloting in college let me try! Plus as the main character of an RPG I’m automatically able to steer large vehicles.

Luigi takes control. The submarine goes underwater and chases after Boshi’s. In Boshi’s submarine…

Boshi: Aw dang it!

Merlon: Quick, fire at them!

Luigi: Right!

Luigi presses the button to launch a torpedo at Boshi. But of course…

Torpedo Ted: TORPEDO AWAY!

Torpedo Ted launches at Boshi’s submarine and sinks it.

Voice: Yo, Army Hammer Bro.! What you doin’ in there man? You shot down the Yoshi Sub!

Luigi: (Oh no! I hope those impersonation classes pay off!) Uhh, yeah… Whoops wrong button.

Voice: What button were you going for?

Luigi: The… radio?

Voice: Oh say no more. Happens to me all the time. Carry on.

Luigi: (Phew.)

Voice: Now report to the dock so we can load up the badges!

Luigi: ‘Kay, gotta do something first.

Luigi steers the submarine and notices a Pink Submarine nearby.

Luigi: I wonder who that is.

Merlon: Luigi! That’s one of the Guardians! I’d stay away from it right now.

Luigi: Aww!

The submarine makes it over to Boshi’s submarine. A crane comes out and reaches into Boshi’s submarine and pulls out the Special Badge. The crane retracts into Luigi’s sub and Bill brings it to Luigi.

Luigi: Thank you, new slave. C’mon guys.

Luigi and friends make it back to upper Ricco Harbor and notice another Koopa plane on the airstrip.

Luigi: “Metal Goonie Mk. II”?

The plane takes off and flies away.

Elvin: … Guys, back to my village, quick!

The group takes off. However instead of Rocketbase Village, Luigi goes back into the submarine and looks around underwater.

Luigi’s voice: I wonder if I can find that old wallet of mine.

Elvin’s voice: Luigi!

Petey’s voice (everyone’s in the sub): Is that an airplane?

Luigi’s voice: Huh?

There is in fact an airplane underwater.

Luigi’s voice: That’s weird.

Luigi docks the submarine and prepares the Boarding Tunnel so he can enter the plane. Luigi, Daisy, and Wario enter the old plane.

Wario: Ugh! I’m sick of these DAD dang snakes on this DAD dang plane!

Solid Snake: !

Upon being discovered, Snake runs away.

Daisy: Why are we here?

Luigi: Because I’m bored!

They explore the plane and find Boshi and Dr. Topper.

Luigi: Yoshis!
  
Boshi: How’d you find me in here so fast?!

Dr. Topper: Why are we even here?

Boshi: I dunno. ATTACK!

Boshi and Dr. Topper run toward the party but they get out of the way. Wario tackles Boshi and Daisy starts kicking his head while he’s down. Meanwhile Luigi and Dr. Topper are having a hammer fight.

Dr. Topper: Grr! Wait! I’m a Hammer Bro.! I have lots of hammers!

Dr. Topper pulls out a second one and whacks Luigi with it.

Luigi: Yeouch! Wait!

Luigi hops onto a wooden crate and charges his hand with electricity. He then dunks it into the water, shocking everyone else.

Dr. Topper: GAAAAAAAH! I’M OUT!

Dr. Topper runs off.

Boshi: Wimp! Wait, I can’t take these guys by myself… ME TOO!

He leaves.

Wario: Luigi, what was that all about?!

Daisy: YOU SHOCKED US!

Luigi: I’m sorry! It’s the only way I knew of to help!

Wario: … Let’s just get to stupid Rocketbase Village… This was a waste of time.

At Rocketbase Village, Luigi, Bombette, and Elvin are on their way to the rocket. Daisy and Wario don’t want to risk high voltage again.

Luigi: Wow, I had no idea there was a rocket here this whole time! You’d think I would’ve seen it last time we were here!

Elvin: …

Dark Koopatrols: INTRUDERS!

Luigi throws Bombette and she explodes on the Dark Koopatrols, leaving no one to block their path up to the rocket.

Elvin: ********! Why does Koopa have to keep messing with my inventions?!

On the last stretch into the rocket, Dr. Topper is there with more Dark Koopatrols.

Luigi: Topper?!

Dr. Topper: Why do we keep running into each other?!

Bombette leaps over to the enemies and blows up, sending them over the railing.

Dr. Topper/Dark Koopatrols: AAAAAAAAAAUGH!

The party rushes into the rocket and throws out the Boomerang Bro. Commander. They head into the cockpit.

Koopa Pilots: CAPTAIN GADD! YOU’RE BACK!

Pilot 2: Great news!

Pilot 3: This rocket has a bomb made of Special Badges called the “Superbombomb”! It’s gonna blast the Millennium Star to bits!

Johnson’s brother Johnson: We’re saved! Toadette is also NOT in the Potential Death Room this time! We removed it!

Elvin: Can I pilot it?

Luigi: Aren’t we here to stop it?

Elvin: Shut up!

Pilots: I guess.

They leave.

Luigi: Elvin those Special Badges have significance! Badges in general do! They’re originally made from Garlic remember? Garlic, as in the essence of Plit? We can’t just waste it blowing up a star! Besides, the Millennium Star being in fragment form would cause a wider crash range and still partially destroy Plit.

Elvin: But… space…

Luigi: Elvin-

Elvin: Shut up! I’m going to say that this is a midlife crisis!

Luigi: You’re in your 60’s!

Elvin: Not in this story! In this story I’m 32! Haven’t you noticed I appear younger?

Luigi: Dang it! Facts!

Elvin: Now I’ll have a quick tea and then it’s off to space.

Voice: Hey everybody! It’s the Spooky Speedster, your friendly local pointless character and I’m here again to say that we’re ready for liftoff! Dedicated to the memory of Lord Crump’s recently terminated employment to Koopa. This one’s for you, Crump.

Bombette: Ugh…

Voice: 3… 2… 1! ROCKETBASE VILLAGE, PREPARE TO BE VAPORIZED!

The rocket blasts off! Miraculously it doesn’t vaporize anything at all! And now there’s no rocket over Gadd’s house! They’re in space.

Elvin: … Hot ****! We’re in space! Hooray!

Luigi: Super Luigi Galaxy!

Elvin: No.

Luigi: Awww…

Bombette: So shouldn’t we evacuate before we blow up with the rocket and the Millennium Star?

Elvin: Yeah probably.

Luigi: Let’s leave with the Special Badge too.

Bombette: Won’t that make the bomb null and void?

Luigi: Bombette, I highly doubt it makes a difference. I mean come on we already have most of the Special Badges anyway! These guys have just the one!

Bombette: Okay. How do we leave?

Elvin: The escape pod of course!

Luigi: So where are we right now?

Bombette/Elvin: THAT JOKE’S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!

Meanwhile in the Gadd Cruiser…

P.T.: What’s keeping those guys so long? Were they in that rocket?

Everyone else: Nah probably not.

P.T.: Just checking.

Meanwhile I the rocket…

Luigi: Okay here’s the Badge Room!

Luigi goes up to the glass dome around the Special Badge.

Voice: Pass code?

Luigi: (Okay… off the top of my head…) … Circle, square, X, X?

Voice: Sorry it’s been changed from last time. Try again.

Luigi: I don’t know!

Voice: Wrong.

Elvin: Maybe you can think straight if you have some tea-

Voice: Correct.

Bombette: The code was “tea”?!

Elvin: I told you tea solves everything!

Luigi: Whatever…

Luigi takes the badge and they all head for the escape pod but they pass through the remains of the Potential Death Room. Elvin notices something.

Elvin: Hey a wallet-

A metal bar lands on Elvin’s head and knocks him out.

Luigi: Elvin…

Toadette: Hey guys! I snuck aboard!

Bombette: Uh, why?

Toadette: I remembered my wallet’s still here- Oh there it is!

Toadette takes the wallet from Elvin.

Toadette: Quick, into the pod!

The three drag Elvin’s body into the escape pod. It detaches from the ship and floats through space as the rocket heads for the Millennium Star.

Elvin: Ow my head… Toadette?! The **** are you doing in he- … Oh ****…

Elvin looks outside to see Plit from space.

Elvin: … Beautiful… ******* beautiful…

He sniffs. Luigi tears up too.

Bombette: You love space too, Luigi?

Luigi: No… I just remembered we left MY wallet in there…

And the pod heads for Plit. Meanwhile the rocket takes on Millennium Star head on and explodes!

Population of Plit: HOLY PIE WHAT WAS THAT?!

Meanwhile in Bianco Canyon, Bestovius is watching his model of space and notices the simulation. Everyone else looks up. The Millennium Star is fragmented into silver shards! Hooray!

Population: Hooray.

And then the shards reform into the Millennium Star. Boo.

Population: Boo.

Millennium Star: MMMMM!!!!

Everyone is in the control room on the Gadd Cruiser now after the rocket thing.

Luigi: See? I told you that bomb wouldn’t work!

Bombette: All right!

Wario: Dang it, now I owe Rusty those 2999 coins!

P.T.: So are we even going to DO anything with those Special Badges?

Petey: We’re done for, aren’t we?

Daisy: Guys don’t worry, we’ll think of something!

Elvin: She’s right.

Merlon: Okay then Daisy, what’s your idea? We’d love to hear it.

Wario: You know what? I bet if we never left Koopa City in the beginning, this wouldn’t have happened.

Petey: Nah, Dimentio would have still killed Bowser and Luigi’s injection would make him follow Dimentio to the North Pole Hole. The only difference would be that we wouldn’t be involved and Vivian might have lived.

Luigi: Hey guys! Let’s focus, okay?

Petey: Guys, I heard something! Listen!

There’s a moaning sound.

Luigi: What was that?

Plit: Sorry, I was yawning. Go back to Bianco Valley. Now.

Petey: Good idea, Bestovius might know what to do!

Luigi: Okay set course for Bianco Canyon!

Soon, Luigi and Petey leave the ship and make it to Bestovius.

Bestovius: Yo! Petey long time no see! I see you gots yo’selves an airship. Niiiiice.

Petey: Yeah we did. Oh and that purple girl with the pink hat died.

Bestovius: Too bad.

Petey: Do you know how to stop the Millennium Star?

Bestovius: Nope.

Later, everyone’s in the room.

P.T.: Why are we here again?

Luigi: I dunno.

P.T.: Well I don’t know how to stop the shiny thing if you’re asking.

Bombette: Me neither.

Luigi: Vivian knew what to do, but she died doing it.

Bestovius: Is that a problem?

Luigi: Well, yeah. In my vision she said a Person Thing of Significance was the only one that could stop the Millennium Star.

Daisy: And now she’s dead.

Petey: Yeah so we’re royally doomed.

Wario: Yeah we’re not “significant” enough apparently…

Elvin: I was still the new guy when it happened so I don’t fully get the conversation.

Luigi: Wait… Vivian went off to do that because she knew something we didn’t… We should probably find out what she knew!

Elvin: I’m gonna find out if they sell tea here.

Elvin goes to find the café.

Luigi: Anyway other than that brief shock, she wasn’t real scared of Dimentio and hardly made an escape attempt. It’s almost as if she expected it…

Bestovius: Wait! Take me there! Take me to the Significant Citadel, I can figure things out there!

Luigi: Sweet, let’s go! Wait, do you know what we do with these Special Bad-

Bestovius swipes them and heads for the Gadd Cruiser.

Luigi: … Ah.

To be continued.